Once upon a time, in the land connected by the ideals of man, there lived a congressman named Frank Sorbals. He served in the House of Representatives for twenty years and planned on serving for twenty more. He was an old man with gray hair that was combed straight back, and the makeup he wore on television made him look like a prop for a mummy movie.
One election year Sorbals's poll numbers were down due to a financial scandal involving one of his largest campaign contributors. Investigations also revealed that Sorbals held investments in a skin magazine and that years prior he had a tryst with a lobbyist when he was married to his third eternal companion. Sorbals stroked his staff to think of ways of bolstering his image. His staff put forth the usual ideas- marketing, photo ops, and a change of dress wear. However, Sorbals wasn't impressed with the ideas, and over the years he became repulsed by images of himself hugging the plump children of the Republic.
So "Iron Head Frank", as his supporters like to call him, hired a guru to change his persona. The guru was a young man who was as energetic as a senator looking over a fresh batch of interns, and he had hair and clothes that were as shiny as the gold ring on his finger. He met with Sorbals over lunch and gave him a pep talk. The congressman was so excited by the guru's acrobatic speech and his robotic, spontaneous gestures that a bright idea struck him. "I'm going to become a roller coaster!" he exclaimed.
Sorbals's staff thought the idea was half-baked, but they were afraid to say anything. They brought thousands of wizards, witches, magicians, and new age shaman to his office, which somehow escaped the attention of the local media. After hundreds of failed attempts of magic, a new age shaman gave the congressman a drink filled with pork, rum, and ground up crystals. Sorbals drank it and immediately turned into a giant red, white, and blue roller coaster! It was an old wood roller coaster with two loops that looked like giant portholes to a distant galaxy, and it had a slow creaky escalation that was worth more than all the new rides combined. The roller coaster was placed over an Indian burial site and concession stands were built next to it.
The public loved the new roller coaster. It dwarfed the cowering landscape, and the strip malls nearby looked to it for guidance. Adults and children enjoyed it, and there was a two-hour wait for a ride. Even the voters that hated Sorbals were grateful for the opportunity to throw up on him, and the money made from ticket sales were used to fund political ads attacking his opponent. Some accused Sorbals of pandering, while others questioned the constitutionality of a roller coaster serving in Congress, but his poll numbers skyrocketed.
On election night a big party was held at the roller coaster. Sorbals wanted to cut costs, so he didn't offer any free food or drink for his supporters and didn't provide any portable toilets; he only gave out cheap balloons and miniature flags. Thousands showed up to celebrate the congressman's landslide victory, many of whom consumed adult beverages beforehand. People were crammed tight for hours and were very hungry; the concession stands ran out of hot pretzels and mini donuts early in the evening. After Sorbals's opponent conceded the election, the crowd cheered, and then they became restless and demanded food. The women frantically searched for bathrooms, and the men were under such pressure that they wanted to hang Frank. Security couldn't handle the situation, so they limited themselves to escorting the congressman's family and staff out of harm's way.
The crowd became more agitated and rowdy. They started shaking the roller coaster, remarking that their predicament closely resembled bull feces. Everyone had to go the bathroom, but they held it the best they could until they couldn't take it any longer. Eventually, some men relieved themselves on the roller coaster. Then everyone else returned their waste products to earth in an orderly fashion. When the roller coaster felt the impact of human waste, it started losing its magic, and then it turned into a giant hot dog. Everyone jumped on the wiener and started eating him. People tore into the meat and knocked each other around. The event was shown live on television, so thousands more citizens raced to the site armed with six packs. The public partied all night and by morning they was no more Sorbals. Did the voters get sick eating and drinking that much? No.